Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner!

A glossy flyer fell out of an envelope stamped AOpen Immediately Dated Material.@  It proclaimed:  AYou have won a Lincoln Continental. Call 1-800 something to redeem your prize.@

I could not dial fast enough. A shrill, computerized voice answered: AIf you have won a Lincoln, please press one.@ 

I did and the voice resumed: AWelcome to ABC Advertising. Would you hold, please?@  Several more holding steps followed, taking up a considerable slice of my valuable time and terminating in the ultimate affront: AThis call may be monitored for quality assurance.@

I was about to give up the Lincoln when a real person came on and asked, Awhat is your winning number?@

I checked my winning card.  A122338878.@

AMrs. Kay Wain?@       

AWainwright.@ Certainly, I wanted them to put the correct name on the car title.

AWayne Right?@

ANo. Wainwright W A I N –@ I sounded computerized, too. The woman finally got the name straight and proceeded to the important business at hand.

AYou=ve been selected to win one of our grand prizes.@

AWrong. I have won a grand prize, a Lincoln Continental.@

AThe income tax you have to pay on a gift automobile of that worth is huge.@

ALet me worry about the tax.@

AWe have an alternate plan. If you purchase 3,000 pencils with your logo imprinted on them for only $300, then the Lincoln becomes an advertising expense and you don=t have to pay any tax on it.@

AI don=t want pencils. Send the car.@

AI can=t do that @ she said. AYou=ll have to speak with the manager.@

After a wait, the manager got on line. AI understand you don=t want the pencils. You prefer to pay the tax.@

AThat‘s correct.@

AAs long as I=ve been here, nobody has ever made such a strange request.@

AHow long have you been there?@

After a short pause, AFour hours, give or take.@

AWell, brace yourself. I don=t want the pencils. I want the car.@

AWe=re not allowed to impose that kind of financial burden on a prospective customer. You=ll have to talk to the president of the company.@

ABring him on.@

AHe isn’t available right now, but he will get in touch with you.@

The president never called, but I=m not much worried about it since I=m busy pursuing another option that came in yesterday=s mail.  I=ve been declared the winner of a sailing trip to the Caribbean.

"Winner, winner chicken dinner!"